Why Suicide Prevention is Important to Me

Note :: This was originally handwritten on 10th September 2012, but wasn't transcribed until the 11th of September.

WARNING :: Potentially triggery discussion of depression, suicide, and suicide ideation. Please do not read if you don't have the spoons to do so.

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day and the first day of National Suicide Prevention Week.

Suicide prevention is important to me because no one should have t feel like they have no other alternatives than to die.  The reason behind that desire is irrelevant in the face of its existence.  Everyone has worth, everyone is important, everyone is necessary.  I have wanted to feel that way all my life.  Some days are better than others.  Some days the scars, physical and emotional, are so painful as to be overwhelming.  But every morning where I wake up is a success because I didn't give in to the darkness the day before.  Every day I am here, I am stronger.  End of story.

Over the years I have developed coping mechanisms, in place of therapy, including my writing and varying levels of St John's Wort.  Several different rounds of journaling have helped, but not always.  A lot of the poetry and fiction I've written over the years has been incredibly cathartic and my free alternative to therapy.  My latest "obsession" with the character of Regina from Once Upon a Time has brought a lot of these issues of mine to the surface in the last year.  The portrayal of this character by Lana Parrilla has touched something deep within me.  This character is not just the stereotypical bad guy.  Parrilla plays her with a vulnerability and a pain that speaks far too deeply into my own  issues and such, particularly in the episode, "The Stable Boy".  I see aspects of my own pain, fear, and struggle in Regina, and it just punctuates so much of what I've gone through.

Today -- this week -- is very poignant and bittersweet for me.  Suicidal thoughts and depression were a longtime constant in my life.  I knew it started not long after my parents' divorce when I was 10 years old.  I've learned recently that it may have started earlier than that.

Blog Action Day 2012

"I just registered for Blog Action Day October 15, 2012. Join me and take part in a huge global discussion http://bit.ly/OtyYtE #BAD12"

PBP :: F is for Familiar

There's a great quote I've long associated with Willow Rosenberg in Buffy the Vampire Slayer that deals with the idea of not being a true, self-respecting Witch without her familiar.

If memory serves correctly, because I no longer have the quote, it was something about a proper Witch's familiar being a frog.  At the time, the quote struck me as amusing because I owned a Pacman Frog, so I incorporated it into a signature file for an old yahoo email address I was using at the time.

The quote became a source of amusement for Mama Bear and me, and eventually it just faded into cobwebbed memory.  But it also has made me really think about the role of familiars in my spiritual practices.

PBP :: E is for Earth-Friendly

All my life, there's been a part of me that has intrinsically known the importance of stewardship to the earth.  And yes, I realize just how pompous and pretentious that sentence may sound, how disingenuine.  And yet, it's the truth as my memories have provided for me.  I've always had a connection to the land, the water, the animals around me.  I would love to say that it's because it was my destiny, but that smacks of disingenuity and pretension even more.  But at this point, that discussion is neither here nor there.  Whether or not I've had a history of this particular attitude is only important because of how it led to the way I feel and act now.

For me, the whole Earth-Friendly movement is really important.  Even before I was officially on my spiritual path, I always felt that we should be more cognizant of the earth as a living entity that deserves respect.  I've been recycling for as long as I've known about the concept.  My family would recycle the various beverage containers ever since my teen years.  The rest of the recycling, including paper, would come later.  But I've always used up the paper scraps as much as possible, considering all of the little notes and lists I've always left for myself.

PBP :: E is for Eclectic

When I was starting out on my pagan path, I relied pretty heavily on the Wiccan system.  It was relatively simple and straightforward, something that I found inviting, particularly as a solitary trying to wade through the sea of information before her.  To this day, I still find it a bit amusing that I follow a primarily Wiccan path with Greek gods as my primary deities.

Over the first several years that I was officially out as a Witch, I tried out the specifics of several different Wiccan traditions, trying to find the right fit for me.  The one I wanted to try the most was the one that I couldn't attempt because of the deities that had chosen me.  I was, and in some ways still am, very drawn to the Dianic tradition because of the female empowerment and Goddess worship, but Poseidon's [among others over the years] hold on me is too strong to turn my back on Him.

PBP :: D is for Dedication

When I first looked into the pagan paths back in the early 1980s, I was sharply pointed toward the Wiccan paths.  This was primarily because, at the time, it seemed like the only option for me, as I didn't have a family tradition to fall back on.  There was also the issue of not quite understanding the whole concept of Stregheria at the time, which was the other major branch of paganism that I was steered toward, and I had gotten the impression that Druidism was only for men.

So, while I read everything I could get my hands on within the pagan spectrum, I focused my research on the Wiccan paths.  This became increasingly easier as time went on.  And by 1994, I had amassed quite a little library of books, as well as quite a bit of research.

After about twelve years of research, study, and contemplation, I finally decided to take that first official step onto the Wiccan path.

PBP :: D is for Divination

I love working with the various forms of divination that I've had a chance to sample in the past.  Divination's always held a special allure for me, all the way back to childhood when I'd find images in the flames and the clouds.

I've dabbled in tarot, runes, and multiple forms of scrying: pendulums, fire/flames, water, clouds.  I've got a bit of a talent for psychometry, but it's quite erratic and fleeting.  And I like doing animal divination.  Usually this means that I keep track of the animals I see when I'm on a trip of any kind and work to figure out what message they're trying to send me by letting me see them.  This is also a bit rusty, as I've only really started to work more regularly and diligently on this in the last year or so.

PBP :: C is for Coven

aka Why I'm a solitary...

When I started studying and researching Wicca, witchcraft, and paganism back in the early to mid 80s, I didn't have a lot of direction on what was good or bad in what I was finding and soaking up like a sponge [I exhausted my junior high school's paranormal section in just a few months, but reread everything several times over the course of those three years].  Looking back with those 20/20 hindsight glasses, I cringe at some of the things I took as set in stone back then.

Covens were one of the biggest things that got hammered home in the books I read.  It was vital that a Witch have a Coven to belong to.  I had all these fanciful notions of being accepted into these covens with traditions that traced back centuries, of eventually becoming the High Priestess.  Oh, I had such dreams back then!  The follies of youth and all…

PBP :: C is for Cartomancy

I've been dabbling in cartomancy to some degree or another ever since 1989 when I bought my first tarot deck.  It was just a standard Rider-Waite deck.  I was a freshman in college and still very new to putting my years of research into Wicca and paganism into practice.  I didn't know any better about getting a different deck.  Not that I had a lot of options at the bookstore where I bought my deck, of course.

And I certainly didn't know that it's something of an unspoken rule to be given your decks, rather than buying them yourself.  Even to this day, I don't follow that unspoken rule most of the time.  If a deck speaks to me, touches me, and I know I have the money and the energy to bring it home, it comes home with me.  End of story.  Now that doesn't mean that I turn down decks given to me.  Good heavens, no!  I cherish those decks for the gifts they are.

Just a little FYI...

In case you may not have noticed, I'm getting back into the swing of doing my Pagan Blog Project posts again.  I have mapped out a schedule to get me back on track with the actual weekly posting for said project by 1 June 2012, but it will require me to basically post every weekday until then to be caught up.  I know that seems like a huge influx of pagan-related content, especially if you're not expecting that here.

Rest assured, there will be other content posted here as well during this time frame, as well as after the fact.  I have some pieces of short fiction that I'll be posting up over the next few weeks, snippets in universes I'm testing out.  I'm also working out some ideas for the 100 Blog Post Challenge.  And, of course, looking into some ideas for posts about writing itself.

A lot of changes are happening here, and I'm finally getting back on track for things I'm supposed to have been doing all along.  I apologize for any inconvenience this may cause my readers.

-- Sadie

PBP :: B is for Blood

Blood plays such a very interesting role in magic, whether real or imagined by others.  I've heard some fantastic stories of what witches, wiccans, and pagans do with blood in their rituals.  Things that range from drinking it to using it as a lubricant for sex rites, and everything in between.

Blood has always held a fascination for me, particularly my own blood.  I don't faint at the sight of blood, nor do I necessarily find the smell nauseating unless it's a large amount that's been left to rot and get heated up by the sun.  But that's a rare situation for me, which I'm quite thankful for.

PBP :: B is for Beltane

Let me preface this post by saying that BD, my other half, celebrates all the sabbats and lunar phases with me when we remember to, but we're not a coven, nor are we romantically involved. When you consider that Beltane is known, at least partially, as a sabbat dealing with sex and love, it's one of the harder sabbats for me to celebrate as a solitary. But I still manage to celebrate every year.

Today, I'd like to share how we celebrated Beltane this year.

PBP :: A is for Animals, Part 2

When I'd initially planned to do a two-part series on animals, I'd wanted to use this second post to discuss the animals I'd seen on my trip to Oregon the first weekend of March 2012. Considering that we're currently in the middle of April 2012, that idea is clearly moot. But I think I'll still work off the basis of that idea, rather than the specifics.

Whenever I travel, I see more wildlife than expected. While some animals and birds are seen on a regular basis, I have learned never to expect to see them. If I expect them to appear, like it's an obligation on their part, they don't show and I tend not to see them for a while. And I've learned to accept that, because it's not an obligation on their part to show themselves to me.

Sneak Peek :: "Myth"

Note :: This was originally written on 30 October 2010.  It's just a little something in the Laikhostra universe I've been working on for the last 10 years now.  Maybe a little more info on them will get people interested in my little universe…

Last night's interview...

It didn't go too terribly bad actually.  We did have a couple of instances of a moment of awkward silence where everyone seemed to be waiting to see who'd jump in first.  Nothing entirely unexpected though, as that seems to happen at least once every time I do a group interview of some sort.  Really hope that the information we gave will entice people to come check us out when we do our public launch during International Day of Femslash an the FemSlashCon 2012, both of which take place over the weekend of 14-15 July 2012.

I'll be going back to listen to the interview again at some point, just to make sure I didn't sound like a total ditz.  I've done interviews with Allaine before, under my fannish pseud, but last night's interview seemed...  different somehow.  I can only guess that it had something to do with being the first interview I've done under this professional pseud of mine.  It kind of legitimized everything, you know?  Made it much more immediate that I'm really starting to follow the professional path finally.

If you're interested in listening to the podcast, feel free to check it out over here.

Long Time...

Yes, clearly my grand plans for getting caught up on the Pagan Blog Project posts this month have gone completely awry.  I'll blame it on the fannish projects that I've been finishing this month.

Given that there are only 2 days left to the month, I highly doubt I'll get all of those posts done and posted before the end of March.  So that plan will get shifted over to April instead.  I should still be okay to get everything finished by the end of the month without overly inundating you with the posts.

I'll also be posting a handful of story snippets/sneak peeks of my Laikhostra novel in progress.  These are more for learning about the characters and the world, rather than bits of the actual novel itself.

And now, I'm off to prepare for the interview tonight about Tales of Ryh'na.  I hope you'll tune in and join us.

-- Sadie

Femslash4Fans Radio Tonight @ 10pm EDT: Tales of Ryh'na

I haven't talked a whole lot about this here, and I do apologize for that, but this is a big project that several of us have been working on since FemSlashCon 2011.    Tonight, we get to discuss this shared story world that we've collectively created, the first solely femslash shared story world, and we'd love to have you join us as we talk about it.  I will definitely be talking more about this project as time goes on, that's for sure.  *g*

Below is the press release that allaine77 sent out about the show.  Below that is a link to the Tales of Ryh'na site and information. 


Shared Story Worlds - the Creators of Tales of Ryh'na

http://tobtr.com/s/3012927

The theme for F4F Radio this month has been talking about the changing ways in which the Internet is allowing writers and filmmakers to create, as well as the ways in which fanfic authors are becoming something to encourage, not just put up with. Having first spent time discussing "transmedia storytelling" with guests Christin Mell and Bridget McManus, tonight we'll be looking at a similar phenomenon, the "Shared Story World" (SSW). In an SSW, a detailed "canon" background is created for a brand-new universe. Then the universe and background becomes public property, made available to anyone who wishes to use it for artistic expression - writing, art, video, etc. One such SSW is the upcoming "Tales of Ryh'na" (TofR), a world which merges sci-fi and magic as space age colonists clash with the native population of a new planet. Of course, since we're talking about TofR HERE, you can count on it being QUITE open to stories involving lesbian relationships. If you needed further proof of that, consider the people behind this project, four of whom will be on the show. Jojo Stratton is a SSW veteran who has written fan fiction for numerous lesbian pairings and was involved in the last two FemslashCons. QH Fletcher was also an organizer of FemslashCon 2011, as well as the prominent writer of femslash Quiethearted for "Devil Wears Prada" and "Rizzoli & Isles". Carson D. Fletcher is an award-winning writer in the Stargate SG-1 fandom who talked about her Sam/Janet stories on F4F in 2010. And A. Sadie Timm, well, if I told you what her psuedonym was, you'd know you've been reading her femslash fanfic for years, and you might have even heard her on this show before. My guests will tell us all about TofR, where it got started, and what their ambitions are for the project.

Don't forget to tune in!

Sincerely, Allaine
Femslash4Fans Radio
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/allaine

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TofR on Blogger

-- Sadie

PBP :: A is for Animals, Part 1

This was originally supposed to be posted yesterday, but I gave myself a kind of internet ban for the day.


I've always had some kind of connection to animals. It seems like there has always been some kind of animal in my life. By the time I was 15yo, there had been 4 dogs, 1 cat [very temporarily], and countless fish in aquariums. And that's not including the dogs my extended family had. To this day, I can usually gain the confidence of neighborhood cats. Dogs adore me and want to jump up and give me kisses and love.

As I grew older and began my research into various branches of the pagan path, I was comforted by the fact that a love of animals seemed to work hand in hand with the vast majority of what I was looking into. And i'm not just talking about the whole idea of the witch with her black cat familiar, either. I remember reading once about frogs and toads being used as familiars. In the early 2000s, I got myself a Pacman toad and jokingly stated that with him and my cat, I was then a proper Witch. Actually, now that I think of it, since coming out of the broom closet, I've owned cats, frogs, snakes, rats, and mice. All purported familiars for witches. I hadn't actually thought about that before.

An old random question from my profile

I decided to fill out my profile a bit today, and thought I'd get a new random question there.  But I liked the original one I'd listed, so decided to put it here for posterity.

Can you cast a spell with magic markers?

You can cast any spell you like with magic markers, as long as you want them to be permanent spells, or you plan to burn them. And if you cast those spells on your walls, they're permanent until the drywall/wood/brick is removed and destroyed.

Testing... Testing... Is this thing on?

Clearly my previous attempts at getting this blog off the ground and keeping it updated regularly have failed.  If you need proof of this, just look at the fact that I last posted anything here on *squiints* 20 October 2010.

Wow!  That's pathetic!

I have been having some organizational issues across the board recently, so have decided to just start over with a clean slate in a lot of things.  This includes this blog.  Hence me writing this post to serve as a kind of re-introduction of sorts.