WARNING :: Potentially triggery discussion of depression, suicide, and suicide ideation. Please do not read if you don't have the spoons to do so.
Today is World
Suicide Prevention Day and the first day of National Suicide Prevention Week.
Suicide prevention is important to me because no one should have t
feel like they have no other alternatives than to die. The reason behind that desire is irrelevant
in the face of its existence. Everyone has
worth, everyone is important, everyone is necessary. I have wanted to feel that way all my
life. Some days are better than
others. Some days the scars, physical
and emotional, are so painful as to be overwhelming. But every morning where I wake up is a
success because I didn't give in to the darkness the day before. Every day I am here, I am stronger. End of story.
Over the years I have developed coping mechanisms, in place of
therapy, including my writing and varying levels of St John's Wort. Several different rounds of journaling have helped,
but not always. A lot of the poetry and
fiction I've written over the years has been incredibly cathartic and my free
alternative to therapy. My latest "obsession"
with the character of Regina from Once Upon
a Time has brought a lot of these issues of mine to the surface in the last
year. The portrayal of this character by
Lana Parrilla has touched something deep within me. This character is not just the stereotypical
bad guy. Parrilla plays her with a
vulnerability and a pain that speaks far too deeply into my own issues and such, particularly in the episode,
"The Stable Boy". I see
aspects of my own pain, fear, and struggle in Regina, and it just punctuates so
much of what I've gone through.
Today -- this week
-- is very poignant and bittersweet for me.
Suicidal thoughts and depression were a longtime constant in my
life. I knew it started not long after
my parents' divorce when I was 10 years old.
I've learned recently that it may have started earlier than that.
